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" I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. "

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" I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years. "

" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "

" Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. "

" Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.' "

" My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant. "

" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "

" I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' "

" Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.' "

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. "

" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

" There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. "

" I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women. "

" Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone. "

" I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.' "

" Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? "

" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "

" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "

" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "

" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "

" I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble. "

" I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. "

" Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. "

" As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. "

" I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. "

" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "

" I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.' "

" Horse racing is waning in popularity. "

" I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years. "

" We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. "