Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper. "

Related Quotes:

" As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. "

" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "

" I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' "

" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "

" I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. "

" My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. "

" I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. "

" I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. "

" The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born. "

" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "

" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "

" We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture. "

" We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. "

" Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.' "

" My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning. "

" I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years. "

" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "

" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "

" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "

" Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected. "

" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "

" San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people. "

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. "

" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "

" I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble. "

" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "

" When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "

" Horse racing is waning in popularity. "

" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "