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" Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded. "

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" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "

Elayne Boosler

Men

Wilderness

Ancestors

" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "

" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "

" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "

" I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years. "

" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "

Elayne Boosler

Food

Thankful

" Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying. "

Elayne Boosler

Audience

You

" Horse racing is waning in popularity. "

" San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people. "

" When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. "

" A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life. "

" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "

" I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards. "

" Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. "

" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "

" I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years. "

" I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope. "

" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "

" My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning. "

" The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born. "

" You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. "

" Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two. "

" When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. "

" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "

" Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. "

" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "

" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "

" As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. "

" Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? "

" I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women. "