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" To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady. "

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" There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless. "

" Failure has gone to his head. "

" I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. "

" The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in. "

" Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. "

" A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune. "

" Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up. "

" I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own. "

" I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at. "

" The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. "

" To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it. "

" The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears. "

" Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him. "

" The first hundred years are the hardest. "

" Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton. "

" Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down. "

" I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile. "

" Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest. "

" A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something. "

" Art is science made clear. "

" The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock. "

" You sparkle with larceny. "

" Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. "

" A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions. "

" If you count all your assets you always show a profit. "

" I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it. "

" All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long. "

" A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant. "

" Most hard-boiled people are half-baked. "