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" Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. "

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" A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something. "

" It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget. "

Chuck Palahniuk

" What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. "

Jerome K. Jerome

" Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of. "

" Japanese people have a funny habit of abbreviating names. "

Shigeru Miyamoto

" Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don't mind laughing at it before you guys do. "

" A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. "

" Macho does not prove mucho. "

" I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. "

" A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. "

" Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter. "

" If you have doubts about someone, lay on a couple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be screaming. Then I would say be patient with people who are negative, because they're really having a hard time. "

" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" I exaggerate all our selves, our beings. I make fun of everything: of our life and what we are. But I don't tell jokes, really. I just exaggerate life, and it comes out funny. "

" If you count all your assets you always show a profit. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" I get tired of comedies where there are a bunch of funny guys and a beautiful woman who doesn't do anything funny. And I don't like books where there's a rough-and-tumble boy and a really clever, snotty girl. That's just not my experience with teenagers. "

" I'm fascinated with the stories that we tell. Real histories become fantasies and fairy tales, morality tales and fables. There's something interesting and funny and perverse about the way fairytale sometimes passes for history, for truth. "

" A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. "

" I started writing when I was 9 years old. I was like this weird kid who would just stay in my room, typing little funny magazines and drawing comic strips. "

" I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things. "

" I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It's not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented. "

" I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. "

" I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. "

Flannery O'Connor

" I'm known as a kind of dramatic, serious, almost humorless actor and the fact is, I'm a funny guy, and I spend most of my life trying to find a lighter side of things, and on stage was given plenty of opportunity to do that. "

" Probably spending 12 years at boarding school - comedy became a survival gene. But I think some people are funny right off the bat, as soon as they can speak or be naughty. "

" As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're laughing at me because I'm not funny. And I'm thinking, 'Who cares? They're laughing.' If you go on stage, and they're laughing at you full-on for 60 minutes? You know, whatever puts them in the seats. "

Larry the Cable Guy

" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "

" Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. "

Laurence J. Peter