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" What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains. "

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" If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? "

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" I never officially came out in any kind of really public way. I just always lived very simply and openly, but the press has never made a big fuss about me or said anything to me. "

" You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all. "

" Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. "

" We're all in this alone. "

" I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. "

" Many times I sit back and say, 'I can't believe that this is my life!' Other times, I feel self-satisfied. I mean, there's a lot to be proud and thankful for but, nonetheless, it's just a life! "

" The best mind-altering drug is the truth. "

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" If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed. "

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" It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. "

" Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. "

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" Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. "

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" I guess if people couldn't profit from war I don't think there would be war. "

" Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use. "

" I grew up in a time when women didn't really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny - because it's powerful; it's a threat. "

" I guess that's one of the reasons that you do it - work all the time - because it's sort of a high to find something that really works. "

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" Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. "

" No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up. "

" What if it's boring - or if it's not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring. "

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" If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed. "