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" It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. "

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" If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed. "

" I grew up in a time when women didn't really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny - because it's powerful; it's a threat. "

" What if it's boring - or if it's not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring. "

" Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use. "

" When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime - and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. "

" The best mind-altering drug is the truth. "

" The road to success is always under construction. "

" I was always drawn to more the social-expression-of-culture types. "

" I think my politics are just inclined to be empathetic and humanistic. I grew up with so many different kinds of people with different politics, different religion, no religion, no politics, education, no education, and I was infatuated with all of them. "

" What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains. "

" Many times I sit back and say, 'I can't believe that this is my life!' Other times, I feel self-satisfied. I mean, there's a lot to be proud and thankful for but, nonetheless, it's just a life! "

" Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing. "

" Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. "

" If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less. "

" Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? "

" I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. "

" Remember we're all in this alone. "

" If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed. "

" For fast-acting relief try slowing down. "

" I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. "

" We are all in this together, by ourselves. "

" You don't really need to get married, but marriage is awfully nice. Everybody I know who got married, they say it really makes a difference. They feel very, very happy about it. "

" The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. "

" But there are too many people that make so much money at the cost of lives of other humans and for no reason but to make the money. "

" Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. "

" There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. "

" I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework. "

" I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. "

" Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination. "

" I never officially came out in any kind of really public way. I just always lived very simply and openly, but the press has never made a big fuss about me or said anything to me. "