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" No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up. "

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" The best mind-altering drug is the truth. "

" Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use. "

" If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed. "

" Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. "

" If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed. "

" I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain. "

" I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. "

" But there are too many people that make so much money at the cost of lives of other humans and for no reason but to make the money. "

" I think my politics are just inclined to be empathetic and humanistic. I grew up with so many different kinds of people with different politics, different religion, no religion, no politics, education, no education, and I was infatuated with all of them. "

" If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? "

" I grew up in a time when women didn't really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny - because it's powerful; it's a threat. "

" We are all in this together, by ourselves. "

" I guess that's one of the reasons that you do it - work all the time - because it's sort of a high to find something that really works. "

" I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. "

" If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less. "

" I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. "

" It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. "

" When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime - and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. "

" Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing. "

" The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. "

" You don't really need to get married, but marriage is awfully nice. Everybody I know who got married, they say it really makes a difference. They feel very, very happy about it. "

" Many times I sit back and say, 'I can't believe that this is my life!' Other times, I feel self-satisfied. I mean, there's a lot to be proud and thankful for but, nonetheless, it's just a life! "

" What if it's boring - or if it's not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring. "

" The road to success is always under construction. "

" If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? "

" You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all. "

" I especially love 'Web Therapy' and I did 'Eastbound and Down' too. I had a lot of fun doing that. "

" For fast-acting relief try slowing down. "

" Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? "

" Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. "