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" I especially love 'Web Therapy' and I did 'Eastbound and Down' too. I had a lot of fun doing that. "

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" Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. "

" You don't really need to get married, but marriage is awfully nice. Everybody I know who got married, they say it really makes a difference. They feel very, very happy about it. "

" If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed. "

" Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. "

" Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? "

" Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. "

" I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. "

" Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing. "

" Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. "

" I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. "

" Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. "

" Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use. "

" There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. "

" Remember we're all in this alone. "

" If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less. "

" I grew up in a time when women didn't really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny - because it's powerful; it's a threat. "

" I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. "

" We are all in this together, by ourselves. "

" I guess if people couldn't profit from war I don't think there would be war. "

" I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain. "

" If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed. "

" When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime - and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. "

" The best mind-altering drug is the truth. "

" What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains. "

" What if it's boring - or if it's not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring. "

" Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. "

" We're all in this alone. "

" I never officially came out in any kind of really public way. I just always lived very simply and openly, but the press has never made a big fuss about me or said anything to me. "

" I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. "

" What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch. "