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" When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' "

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" A week before Thanksgiving, my mother bought the turkey, frozen. Then she froze it some more. Then she let it thaw and cleaned it - and I mean really cleaned it, because nobody wanted a 'dirty bird.' She salt-and-peppered the turkey, buttered, paprika-ed, and nominally stuffed it. "

Wesley Morris

Bird

She

Mother

" I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic. "

" You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal. "

" Christians were instructed to serve others, and the thanksgiving was for the grace of God and the fact that God offered a way for man to return to a positive relationship with Him. "

" There was a time, in the not so distant past, that if you didn't have what you needed on Thanksgiving, you were pretty much going to have to wait until Friday. Not anymore! "

" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "

" Where I grew up, I could be a punk rocker and a jock. But in college, it became apparent that those two worlds didn't mix. When I brought my guitar back to school after Thanksgiving break, a friend handed me his bass and said, 'Listen to the Ramones.' "

" Some memories are unforgettable, remaining ever vivid and heartwarming! "

" I'm not a big turkey fan, but my husband loves it. Thanksgiving is his favorite meal. "

" My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. "

" I'm a big cook and prefer to make meals at home when I can. I'm either cooking, or we're going to a drive-through somewhere. I'm really proud of my homemade sweet potato pie. At Thanksgiving I make five of them because they go quick. "

" My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation. "

" I don't like turkey. I mean, I do. But I don't like it on Thanksgiving. I don't need it. There are about 20 other dishes that get put on a table or a counter or that stay warming on the stove that I'd rather eat than turkey. "

" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "

Lewis Black

Family

Know

" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "

" I really don't do much on the night of Thanksgiving other than bring the wine and carve the turkey. My contribution comes the day after, in the form of breakfast. I usually just forage through the leftovers for things that will go well with eggs. "

Wylie Dufresne

Thanksgiving

Night

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "

Lewis Black

You

Work

" I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. "

" I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people. "

" I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. "

" There is one day that is ours. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that is purely American. "

" Not to sound too much like Christopher Guest in 'Waiting for Guffman,' but on Thanksgiving you're putting on a show! "

" Halloween is fun, but it wasn't always my favorite holiday. I think Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. "

" I make a fabulous tofurkey for Thanksgiving. My Mexican-Italian family can't tell the difference. "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" Thanksgiving just gets me all warm and tingly and all kinds of wonderful inside. "

" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

" Let's say you go to a friend's wedding, or Thanksgiving, or Halloween. It'd be great the next day to see what went on with your friends' Thanksgiving weekend, or all the costumes they wore on Halloween, and be able to look back and see what they wore the year before, and the year before that. "

" It's like being at the kids' table at Thanksgiving - you can put your elbows on it, you don't have to talk politics... no matter how old I get, there's always a part of me that's sitting there. "