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" I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic. "

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" People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. "

" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "

" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "

" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "

" Self-love is a big part of golf. "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

" I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. "

" When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. "

" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "

" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "

" As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. "

" It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. "

" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "

" One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think. "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "

" I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people. "

" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "

" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "

" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "

" Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. "

" I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. "

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "