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" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "

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" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "

" Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. "

" Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. "

" I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. "

" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

" If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' "

" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "

" You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. "

" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "

" Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. "

" The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. "

" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

" What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. "

" Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. "

" I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "

" I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. "

" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "

" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "

" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "

" I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. "

" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "

" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "

" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "