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" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

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" As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' "

" Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. "

" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "

" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "

" Self-love is a big part of golf. "

" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "

" Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. "

" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "

" No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. "

" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "

" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "

" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "

" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "

" I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "

" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "

" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "

" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "

" I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should. "

" When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. "

" It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. "

" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "