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" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "
Lewis Black
Football
Vacation
Happy
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" As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. "
Lewis Black
Gets
Comic
Psychotic
" Everybody's got cable. "
Lewis Black
Got
Everybody
Cable
" A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' "
Lewis Black
Start
Father
People
" Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. "
Lewis Black
Socialism
Got
Like
" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "
Lewis Black
Place
People
You
" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "
Lewis Black
Constantly
Having
Stroke
" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "
Lewis Black
Quarter
Property
Father
" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "
Lewis Black
Milk
Soy
Thing
" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "
Lewis Black
Nothing
Interesting
Comedy
" Self-love is a big part of golf. "
Lewis Black
Golf
Big
Part
" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "
Lewis Black
American
Bipartisan
Public
" Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. "
Lewis Black
People
Country
Help
" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "
Lewis Black
Me
I Am
Got
" No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. "
Lewis Black
Thought
Mother
Life
" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "
Lewis Black
Online
No Time
Always
" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "
Lewis Black
You
Work
Go
" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "
Lewis Black
Joke
Odd
Say
" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "
Lewis Black
Math
Sure
Republicans
" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "
Lewis Black
Me
Obvious
Stupid
" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "
Lewis Black
Hate
Woman
Me
" I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. "
Lewis Black
Doing
Back
Politicians
" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "
Lewis Black
He
Funny
Creepy
" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "
Lewis Black
Shut
You
Law
" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "
Lewis Black
Ended
Up
Sense
" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "
Lewis Black
Who
Created
Me
" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "
Lewis Black
Apologize
Tired
Too
" I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should. "
Lewis Black
Kid
Great
Down
" When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. "
Lewis Black
Run
Energy
Fair
" It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. "
Lewis Black
Now
Want
People
" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "
Lewis Black
Just
Insane
More