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" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

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" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "

" It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. "

" I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. "

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "

" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "

" Self-love is a big part of golf. "

" One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. "

" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "

" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "

" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

" I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism. "

" Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. "

" The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. "

" I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not. "

" Everybody's family has different values. "

" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "

" I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. "

" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "

" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "

" You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal. "

" When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' "

" I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people. "

" Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. "

" I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. "