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" I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people. "

Lewis Black

Sometimes

Thought

People

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" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "

" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "

Lewis Black

You

Work

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. "

" If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. "

" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "

Lewis Black

Hate

Woman

" It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. "

" A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' "

" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "

" It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. "

" The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die. "

" I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it. "

" Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. "

" Self-love is a big part of golf. "

" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "

Lewis Black

Family

Know

" One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. "

Lewis Black

Know

You

" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "

" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "

" The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. "

Lewis Black

America

History

" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "

" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "

" For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think. "

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "

Lewis Black

New York

New

" I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. "