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" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

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" When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' "

Lewis Black

Time

Thanksgiving

People

" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "

Lewis Black

Family

Know

" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "

" I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. "

" Everybody's family has different values. "

" I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. "

" Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. "

" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "

Lewis Black

Hate

Woman

" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

" I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should. "

" I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it. "

" When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. "

" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "

Lewis Black

Just

Insane

" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "

" I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

Lewis Black

Funny

Creepy

" I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. "

" It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. "

" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "

" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "

" What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense. "

" My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation. "

" People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. "

" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "

" No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. "

" Self-love is a big part of golf. "

" Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. "

" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "

" Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. "