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" My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation. "
" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "
" I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. "
" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "
" I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. "
" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "
" What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. "
" All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. "
" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "
" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "
" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "
" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "
" The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. "
" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "
" When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is. "
" I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. "
" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "
" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "
" The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. "
" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "
" Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. "
" If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. "
" Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. "
" I'm a Jew. "
" Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. "
" When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. "
" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "
" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "
" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "
" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "
" I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic. "