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" Don't laugh at a hair joke, Trump. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight. "

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" With Don Rickles and me, we're just telling the truth. We're not terrific people, and we're not gonna win the beauty contest. We're just average Joes. We're just being who we are, and I think people like that. "

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" None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes. "

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" Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me. "

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" I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.' "

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" I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.' It was like, 'Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I'm OK.' So I got a job at 'Popular Mechanics'. "

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" Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts. "

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" I just really work hard on myself every day. "

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" I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.' "

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" A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I'd be the most flattered I'd be in my life. If I could pick some people to roast, I'd pick my heroes, Don Rickles and Howard Stern. Those are the people I'd like to give some honor to. "

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" I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "

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" I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me. "

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" I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.' "

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" I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause. "

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" I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way. "

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" I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have. "

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" That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I really think the biggest honor, as a comic, is to get roasted by either the Friars Club or the Comedy Central or someone like that. Because it really shows, you know, that you've arrived. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do. "

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" I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever. "

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" We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate. "

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" The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be. "

Lisa Lampanelli