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" If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

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" I really think the biggest honor, as a comic, is to get roasted by either the Friars Club or the Comedy Central or someone like that. Because it really shows, you know, that you've arrived. "

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" I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years. "

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" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

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" I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. "

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" Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine. "

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" Don't laugh at a hair joke, Trump. "

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" Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle. "

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" I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator. "

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" I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems. "

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" I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don't know. "

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" Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire. "

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" None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes. "

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" Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for... well, I don't who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that's not the point. In art, there's something for everybody. "

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" I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it. "

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" I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there. "

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" Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that's why people overreact. I don't need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors. "

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" Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny. "

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" We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate. "

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" People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same. "

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" Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do. "

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" I'm a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I'm lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin' sensitive about jokes. "

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" William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. "

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" I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.' It was like, 'Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I'm OK.' So I got a job at 'Popular Mechanics'. "

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" I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. "

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" I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak. "

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" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

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" When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. "

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