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" When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes. "

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" I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don't know. "

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" I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way. "

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" When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC. "

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" I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it. "

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" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "

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" What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that. "

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" I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak. "

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" The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because it's all in jest and all for fun. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm not saying the N word anymore. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I really think the biggest honor, as a comic, is to get roasted by either the Friars Club or the Comedy Central or someone like that. Because it really shows, you know, that you've arrived. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey. "

Lisa Lampanelli