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" I just really work hard on myself every day. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" I'm way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I'm 60, I'll go on Tinder. Or I'll go on 'Millionaire Matchmaker'; I'll call Patti Stanger. "

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" Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle. "

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" I didn't feel ready to leave home, because it went from no freedom to all freedom. And I was like, 'Oh, my God, I don't know what I'm doing in college.' There seemed to be no like-minded people where I was... I didn't have a clan. I didn't have a choir... There was no safety net. "

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" Basically, I think some of the weight helped take some of the walls down in reality, so basically I got a little more confident. I'm definitely not super confident, but I am confident that I don't have to hide behind those layers of fat and that I can actually open up to people a little more. "

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" When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. "

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" I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight. "

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" I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.' "

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" Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire. "

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" When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off. "

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" I'm a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I'm lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin' sensitive about jokes. "

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" I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself. "

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" Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here. "

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" I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause. "

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" I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets. "

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" Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better. "

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" I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do. "

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" What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that. "

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" That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French. "

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" In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him. "

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" William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. "

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" I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home. "

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" I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak. "

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" I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now. "

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" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

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" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

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" I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have. "

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" I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. "

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" I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. "

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" We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate. "

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