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" Comedy is acting out optimism. "

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" I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. "

" Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing. "

" Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason. "

" I met Nelson Mandela, and I really didn't know what to say. It was years ago at a benefit. I was just in awe of this man because of what he'd done. "

" People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. "

" Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet. "

" There's a show in America where all these people compete with ferrets, and they don't even do anything. They basically just hold them up, and if they don't bite you, they might win. "

" We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins. "

" Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs. "

" The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?' "

" In 'The Secret Agent,' it's basically a character that was admired by Theodore Kaczynski, which is some fan mail you don't really want to open. This is a man who is a chemist and who specializes in making bombs and despises humanity. "

" I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process. "

" My mother's idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive - the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled. "

" Carpe per diem - seize the check. "

" A lot of vets like 'Good Morning Vietnam' - I get great letters from guys. "

" It's hard when you read an article saying bad things about you. It is as if someone is sticking a knife on your heart. But I am the harshest critic of my work. "

" I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken. "

" Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it. "

" From the point of view of being in the public radar, comedians have less problems than other actors. Action movie stars like Stallone or Schwarzenegger usually attract the more aggressive fans. "

" A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while. "

" I think it's great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal. "

" I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. "

" I think 'Dead Poets' was probably my favorite, just to get started with the idea of doing a movie that people treated as more than a movie. "

" I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience. "

" Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly. "

" I've had a lot of people tell me they watched 'Old Dogs' with their kids and had a good time. "

" I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, 'My boy's got learnin'!' "

" Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work! "

" If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? "

" Tweets? That stuff kills conversation. And people taking pictures with their phone or recording you, sometimes surreptitiously, is creepy. They come up and just start talking to you, and you can see the red light on their phone. "