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" I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. "

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" I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out. "

" Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. "

" I think that certain things are funny and certain things are okay to make fun of - including myself. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. "

" There's a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing is sad. You want that contrast. "

J. Michael Straczynski

" The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them. "

" I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell? "

" I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice. "

" Reality continues to ruin my life. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. "

" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

" By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. "

Richard Dawkins

" Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. "

Abraham Lincoln

" It's funny: I always, as a high school teacher and particularly as a high school yearbook teacher, because yearbook staffs are 90 percent female, I got to sit in and overhear teenage girl talk for many years. I like teenage girls; I like their drama, their foibles. And I think, 'I'll be good with a teenage daughter!' "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "

" If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. "

William Lyon Phelps

" I've never been to a dinner party where everyone at the dinner table didn't say something funny. "

" I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. "

" I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while. "

" I'm very, very amateur, which is funny because I'm not in the amateur leagues. "

" James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was. "

" Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. "

" Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. "

" But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone. "

Garry Shandling

" It's so funny because I listen to songs that I recorded that I didn't really know anything about at the time. Later on I'm starting to feel the songs. Sing them first, feel them later. "

" It's a funny old world. "

Margaret Thatcher

" So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you deal. Somebody some day is going to come up with a Stud show that's going to work. "