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" Dogs are not people. Be leery of any woman who refers to her dogs as her 'kids,' because you'll only end up paying for their schooling. "

Garry Shandling

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" Humor is a wonderful way to deal with our suffering because if we can laugh at our troubles, we can feel better. Thich Nhat Hanh is a special man who has helped millions with their suffering with incredible technique. But he doesn't know real suffering, because he has not dated as much as I have. "

Garry Shandling

" It takes me so long to get tired of a man. It's women that are the problem. Don't get me wrong. I think men have their problems just as much as women. "

Garry Shandling

" I practice safe sex - I use an airbag. "

Garry Shandling

" I once saw an elaborate landscape in a gallery, drawn in pencil, that took my breath away. Then I realized the artist probably didn't have enough confidence to use a pen. "

Garry Shandling

" I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session. "

Garry Shandling

" I've been on a state of high alert since high school. I didn't need 9/11 to remind me that we live on a ball of flame. "

Garry Shandling

" I watch the news, which is its own reality show. I love 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.' I love it because it's funny and because I realize that I'm happier than Larry David. "

Garry Shandling

" I don't think I'm severely politically active. I care deeply, and I have my strong personal beliefs. I think America is dancing on thin ice. But I think it's bigger even than a political issue. I wonder about the evolution of the human race and spirit and what our goals and reasons for living are. "

Garry Shandling

" My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81. "

Garry Shandling

" Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with. "

Garry Shandling

" Dr. Phil is hiding something. Otherwise, why wouldn't he use his last name? "

Garry Shandling

" I keep my scrapbooks in the car. When I come to a stoplight, I start looking through my past. Sometimes I wish the red lights were longer. "

Garry Shandling

" I started boxing for exercise, and on the very first day, the trainer got in the ring with me and said, 'Whoever controls the breathing in the ring controls the fight.' I immediately passed out. "

Garry Shandling

" I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I've done a lot of stuff. I don't know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching a show. This was the head of the studio putting a puppet show on. And I'll tell you, he wasn't bad. "

Garry Shandling

" Men who betray women also betray other men. Women shouldn't feel so special. "

Garry Shandling

" There's a good chance that if you're talking to me when I'm snoring, it means I'm bored. "

Garry Shandling

" My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me. "

Garry Shandling

" Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids. "

Garry Shandling

" I like to talk on the cell when I do interviews. That way, I double my chances of getting brain cancer: from the cell phone, and from the questions. "

Garry Shandling

" My second or third year in the engineering department, I got very frustrated, and I sat down with myself and had a soul-searching conversation with myself and said, 'What I'd really like to do is see if I can write comedy.' ... I moved to L.A. stone cold. Didn't know anybody; didn't know how to go about it. Really started from scratch. "

Garry Shandling

" Everyone at a party is uncomfortable. Knowing that makes me more comfortable. "

Garry Shandling

" I had no idea who I was when I started. I was frightened to death and had no natural performing skills. "

Garry Shandling

" I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right. "

Garry Shandling

" I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. "

Garry Shandling

" I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate. "

Garry Shandling

" But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone. "

Garry Shandling

" I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present. "

Garry Shandling

" I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead. "

Garry Shandling

" I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front. "

Garry Shandling

" I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much. "

Garry Shandling