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" The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that. "

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" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

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" If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him. "

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" I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans. "

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" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "

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" I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.' "

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" I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.' "

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" Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts. "

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" Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny. "

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" Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that's why people overreact. I don't need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" With Don Rickles and me, we're just telling the truth. We're not terrific people, and we're not gonna win the beauty contest. We're just average Joes. We're just being who we are, and I think people like that. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.' "

Lisa Lampanelli

" If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" 'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and comics comedy advice. When you're that age, you know it all, so I understand it. But when you're tired and you don't have patience for it, you definitely snap. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Basically, I think some of the weight helped take some of the walls down in reality, so basically I got a little more confident. I'm definitely not super confident, but I am confident that I don't have to hide behind those layers of fat and that I can actually open up to people a little more. "

Lisa Lampanelli