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" I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. "

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" The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. "

" Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. "

" There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce. "

" The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. "

" All right, then, I'll go to hell. "

" There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress. "

" The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. "

" I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.' "

" In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had. "

" The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. "

" Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul. "

" A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. "

" When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. "

" Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. "

" Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. "

" The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. "

" It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. "

" What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. "

" Prosperity is the best protector of principle. "

" She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. "

" Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to. "

" When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself. "

" Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. "

" By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. "

" The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it. "

" Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. "

" I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. "

" As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake. "

" It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. "