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" When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. "

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" The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. "

" Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. "

" Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. "

" Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. "

" Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. "

" There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. "

" Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own. "

" If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first. "

" Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. "

" Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. "

" There are lies, damned lies and statistics. "

" Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. "

" The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. "

" It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. "

" Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. "

" God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. "

" Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. "

" The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. "

" My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. "

" Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. "

" I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping. "

" Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. "

" I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. "

" I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. "

" I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. "

" If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat. "

" Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. "

" Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough. "

" It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent... It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it. "