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" My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis. "

Zach Galifianakis

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" I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women. "

Zach Galifianakis

" There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it. That's if I'm in the mood - sometimes I get superbummed. "

Zach Galifianakis

" That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling. "

Zach Galifianakis

" That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people? "

Zach Galifianakis

" Comedians paint ourselves into corners all the time, and tastes in comedy change. The guy in 'The Hangover' was a really fun character to do, and it was easy to do. But you have to find other things because audiences will let you do that for a little bit, and then they're like, 'What else do you have for us, monkey?' "

Zach Galifianakis

" I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans. "

Zach Galifianakis

" My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing. "

Zach Galifianakis

" My forte is awkwardness. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I've been wanting kids for 10 years. I'd love to adopt, have them naturally - all of it. I want, like, 15. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony. "

Zach Galifianakis

" We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Some people can be choosy because they're ultratalented or lucky or whatever, but yeah, there are certain things that might not be the greatest thing on my resume. But I don't sit back and go, 'Gosh, I wish I didn't do that.' It's all part of the growth of a career, whether you're an entertainer or a librarian. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese. "

Zach Galifianakis

" There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend. "

Zach Galifianakis

" A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong. "

Zach Galifianakis

" As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it. "

Zach Galifianakis

" As you get older, you see the world at a different angle, maybe more cynically, but I just bury my anger. "

Zach Galifianakis

" When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal. "

Zach Galifianakis

" A fantasy of mine is to do a podcast that's Marcel Marceau and I, and you only hear me laughing at him and trying to figure out what he's doing. "

Zach Galifianakis

" American society loves to prop people up and then take them down. "

Zach Galifianakis