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" Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination. "

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" When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime - and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. "

" Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. "

" I think my politics are just inclined to be empathetic and humanistic. I grew up with so many different kinds of people with different politics, different religion, no religion, no politics, education, no education, and I was infatuated with all of them. "

" Remember we're all in this alone. "

" I mean yes to act out something or take chances in the performance is one thing. But in terms of a camera, whatever's captured is captured so that's a little more daunting. "

" If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? "

" What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch. "

" I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. "

" I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. "

" If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed. "

" I especially love 'Web Therapy' and I did 'Eastbound and Down' too. I had a lot of fun doing that. "

" The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. "

" Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. "

" Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. "

" Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing. "

" Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use. "

" Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. "

" If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed. "

" There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. "

" Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? "

" You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all. "

" Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. "

" The road to success is always under construction. "

" It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. "

" What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains. "

" You don't really need to get married, but marriage is awfully nice. Everybody I know who got married, they say it really makes a difference. They feel very, very happy about it. "

" The best mind-altering drug is the truth. "

" We're all in this alone. "

" I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. "

" I never officially came out in any kind of really public way. I just always lived very simply and openly, but the press has never made a big fuss about me or said anything to me. "