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" Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing. "

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" You don't really need to get married, but marriage is awfully nice. Everybody I know who got married, they say it really makes a difference. They feel very, very happy about it. "

" I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. "

" I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework. "

" I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. "

" Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. "

" What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains. "

" Remember we're all in this alone. "

" When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime - and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. "

" If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed. "

" No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up. "

" Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use. "

" But there are too many people that make so much money at the cost of lives of other humans and for no reason but to make the money. "

" I never officially came out in any kind of really public way. I just always lived very simply and openly, but the press has never made a big fuss about me or said anything to me. "

" If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? "

" I think my politics are just inclined to be empathetic and humanistic. I grew up with so many different kinds of people with different politics, different religion, no religion, no politics, education, no education, and I was infatuated with all of them. "

" If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? "

" The best mind-altering drug is the truth. "

" There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. "

" Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? "

" We are all in this together, by ourselves. "

" Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. "

" Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? "

" What if it's boring - or if it's not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring. "

" For fast-acting relief try slowing down. "

" I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. "

" Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. "

" Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. "

" I guess if people couldn't profit from war I don't think there would be war. "

" It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. "

" Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. "