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" We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound. "

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" The disconnect between America and its military is shocking. "

" Veterans' issues are quite close to my heart. I find it quite hard to talk about, actually. "

" I find it hard in my general life to think further than the week ahead. "

" Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you. "

" I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas. "

" There is no greater anesthetic than sport. "

" My family are from Liverpool, so I have some twang there - I have a Midlands accent, and I was raised about an hour north of London, so my voice is a mess. Although, to American ears, it sounds like the crisp language of a queen's butler. "

" Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back. "

" There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can't hurt you anymore when you've been completely dismantled. "

" It was probably years before I was confident enough in stand-up that I was able to talk about the things I wanted to talk about, the way I wanted to talk about them. "

" I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have. "

" People in Britain see Richard Quest as a kind of an offensive cartoon character. "

" People are friendlier in New York than London. "

" It's exciting to have a role in anything that's Claymation, just because you're always intrigued by what a clay wizard version of yourself would be. "

" When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain. "

" I would hate to meet myself at 15. "

" I feel non-stop Brit shame! "

" I have occasionally - if ever I do interviews that are difficult or nerve-wracking - I take my wife's dog tags and have them in my pocket because it's a very quick way to realize that what I'm doing is not that important. It's not really worth getting stressed about because it's not, you know, war. "

" If you're asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion. "

" I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior. "

" I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse. "

" If you work on a comedy show, your basic form of communication is teasing. That's generally how we speak to each other: you communicate the information between the lines of insulting sentences. "

" Most stand-ups, once they have done it, think of it as their default job. I'm pretty sure Jon Stewart still feels that way now. You are a stand-up first; other things come and go. "

" Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect. "

" I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into. "

" Attending a Sarah Palin rally was simultaneously one of the strangest and most chilling events of my life. "

" You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job. "

" People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing. "

" I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free. "

" The British press are a group of unremitting scumbags. And sometimes they use that scumbaggery to good ends, and often not. "