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" I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior. "

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" There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes. "

" When you've married someone who's been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery. "

" I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free. "

" You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job. "

" Politicians don't really bring up religion in England. "

" You don't really know when stand-up material is TV ready; it's just at what point you're willing to let it go and not work on it anymore. I'm not sure there is a point at which you think: 'And that is finished.' "

" I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse. "

" The disconnect between America and its military is shocking. "

" I've always been interested in socially political, or overtly political, comedy. "

" There is no greater anesthetic than sport. "

" I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician. "

" I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into. "

" Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you. "

" A Southern accent is not a club in my bag. "

" I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have. "

" Stand-up comedy seems like a terrifying thing. Objectively. Before anyone has done it, it seems like one of the most frightening things you could conceive, and there's just no shortcut - you just have to do it. "

" It's exciting to have a role in anything that's Claymation, just because you're always intrigued by what a clay wizard version of yourself would be. "

" I get nostalgic for British negativity. There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers. When you go back to Britain, everybody is just running everything down. It's like whatever the opposite of a hug is. "

" I can't relax. I find vacations problematic. "

" Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury. "

" I've said yes to everything that Jon Stewart has asked me to do. That's been a pretty good career decision, I think. "

" Most stand-ups, once they have done it, think of it as their default job. I'm pretty sure Jon Stewart still feels that way now. You are a stand-up first; other things come and go. "

" Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back. "

" It really helps a comedian to be an outsider. "

" You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting. "

" My family are from Liverpool, so I have some twang there - I have a Midlands accent, and I was raised about an hour north of London, so my voice is a mess. Although, to American ears, it sounds like the crisp language of a queen's butler. "

" I would hate to meet myself at 15. "

" I'm always interested in audience interaction. Not so much aggressive audience interaction - I'm genuinely interested in how people see things. "

" I have occasionally - if ever I do interviews that are difficult or nerve-wracking - I take my wife's dog tags and have them in my pocket because it's a very quick way to realize that what I'm doing is not that important. It's not really worth getting stressed about because it's not, you know, war. "

" The British media is sinking down, as the American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator. "