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" Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back. "

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" I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen. "

" As any Brit will understand, things get a little easier when you don't have to be number one any more. Really, the fall of an empire is not as bad as everyone thinks. It's like retirement. People fear retirement, but it can turn out be rather pleasant. "

" If you work on a comedy show, your basic form of communication is teasing. That's generally how we speak to each other: you communicate the information between the lines of insulting sentences. "

" I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician. "

" People in Britain see Richard Quest as a kind of an offensive cartoon character. "

" I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas. "

" I can't relax. I find vacations problematic. "

" Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect. "

" My family are from Liverpool, so I have some twang there - I have a Midlands accent, and I was raised about an hour north of London, so my voice is a mess. Although, to American ears, it sounds like the crisp language of a queen's butler. "

" The disconnect between America and its military is shocking. "

" I would hate to meet myself at 15. "

" I find it hard in my general life to think further than the week ahead. "

" Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had. "

" I've said yes to everything that Jon Stewart has asked me to do. That's been a pretty good career decision, I think. "

" There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can't hurt you anymore when you've been completely dismantled. "

" There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes. "

" Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you. "

" In improv, the whole thing is that it is a relationship between the two people, as a back and forth. In standup, you don't really want to be listening to what somebody is saying; you want to project your jokes into their face. And that's really not a good instinct with a 'Daily Show' field piece, where it's supposed to be an interview. "

" The British media is sinking down, as the American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator. "

" Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury. "

" I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show,' I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson. Having a British accent definitely gave me a sonic leg up on that because there is a faux authority to the British accent in and of itself. "

" When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain. "

" It really helps a comedian to be an outsider. "

" People are friendlier in New York than London. "

" I think Americans still can't help but respond to the natural authority of this voice. Deep down they long to be told what to do by a British accent. That's why so many infomercials have British people. "

" There are two kinds of hecklers: the destructive and constructive hecklers. "

" I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse. "

" Americans just don't understand dry wit. "

" People really have come for a dialogue when they go to a stand-up show in the U.K. They say, 'I understand that you have now finished your little comedy monologue; now I have something to say regarding what I've just heard. "

" You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting. "