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" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "

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" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "

" I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. "

" I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. "

" I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. "

" I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. "

" The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. "

" But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. "

" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "

" But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. "

" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "

" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "

" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "

" Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. "

" If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. "

" I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. "

" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "

" I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! "

" Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. "

" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "

" I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. "

" I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. "

" Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. "

" People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. "

" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "

" Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. "

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. "

" Let no man's deathbed be a futon. "

" I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' "

" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "