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" I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. "

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" People only have so much attention. "

" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "

" I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. "

" Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. "

" Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. "

" I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie. "

" I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. "

" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "

" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. "

" I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. "

" I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. "

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. "

" As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. "

" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "

" I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. "

" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "

" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "

" I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! "

" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

Looking Forward

" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "

" I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there. "

" The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. "

" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "

" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "

" To me, comedy is a game. "

" They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. "

" I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out. "