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" I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. "
Demetri Martin
Hard
Always
Blush
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" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "
Demetri Martin
Years
Stand
Money
" I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' "
Demetri Martin
Someone
Hell
Nice
" It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. "
Demetri Martin
Doing
You
Think
" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "
Demetri Martin
Keep
Like
Songs
" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "
Demetri Martin
Day
Looking
Looking Forward
" A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' "
Demetri Martin
Like
Mind
Never
" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "
Demetri Martin
Good
Now
Play
" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "
Demetri Martin
Heart
Time
Worst
" Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. "
Demetri Martin
Think
Thought
Walk
" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "
Demetri Martin
Die
Fun
Sometimes
" People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. "
Demetri Martin
Car
Driving
I Am
" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "
Demetri Martin
Government
College
History
" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "
Demetri Martin
Important
Track
Me
" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "
Demetri Martin
Far
Go
Favorite
" But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. "
Demetri Martin
Long
Story
Doing
" Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. "
Demetri Martin
Printed
Wise
Nothing
" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "
Demetri Martin
Internet
Every Day
People
" I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' "
Demetri Martin
Funny
Finish
Go
" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "
Demetri Martin
Think
Stuff
Dreaming
" I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. "
Demetri Martin
School
Law
Student
" People only have so much attention. "
Demetri Martin
Attention
People
Only
" I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out. "
Demetri Martin
People
Me
Think
" But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. "
Demetri Martin
Direction
Dreams
Go
" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "
Demetri Martin
Done
Go
Easy
" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "
Demetri Martin
Lady
Scale
Said
" I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' "
Demetri Martin
Someone
You
Kind
" Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. "
Demetri Martin
Loser
Good
Time
" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "
Demetri Martin
Years
Started
Old
" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "
Demetri Martin
Two
Basic
Comedy
" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "
Demetri Martin
Game
Busy
Me