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" Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. "

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" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

Demetri Martin

Day

Looking

Looking Forward

" Let no man's deathbed be a futon. "

Demetri Martin

Deathbed

Man

" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "

Demetri Martin

Love

School

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "

" I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' "

" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "

Demetri Martin

Game

Busy

" Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. "

" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "

" The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. "

Demetri Martin

Great

Digital

" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "

" To me, comedy is a game. "

Demetri Martin

Comedy

Game

" As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. "

Demetri Martin

Thought

Think

" I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. "

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. "

" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "

Demetri Martin

Keep

Songs

" I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. "

" I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. "

" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "

Demetri Martin

Important

Track

" I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. "

" It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. "

" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "

" I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' "

" I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. "

" I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up. "

" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "

" When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. "

" I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. "

Demetri Martin

Laugh

Thought

" Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. "