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" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "

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" When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. "

" I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' "

" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "

" But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. "

" There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. "

" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "

" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie. "

" Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. "

" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "

" For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' "

" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "

" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "

" As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. "

" I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' "

" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "

" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "

" I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out. "

" I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' "

" I never set out to do a sketch show. "

" A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' "

" Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. "

" But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. "

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. "

" I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. "

" If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. "

" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

Looking Forward

" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "