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" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "

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" Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. "

" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "

" I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line. "

" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "

" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "

" I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. "

" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "

" Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. "

" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "

" Let no man's deathbed be a futon. "

" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "

" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "

" They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. "

" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. "

" I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. "

" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "

" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "

" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "

" But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. "

" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "

" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "

" People only have so much attention. "

" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' "

" I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. "

" Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. "

" I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. "

" It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. "

" I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. "