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" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "

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" But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. "

" As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. "

" I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. "

" I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there. "

" The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. "

" It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. "

" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "

" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' "

" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "

" Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. "

" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "

" The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. "

" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "

" As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. "

" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "

" I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up. "

" I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' "

" I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. "

" To me, comedy is a game. "

" I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' "

" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "

" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "

" But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. "

" I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. "

" The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. "

" I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. "

" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "

" Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. "

" I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. "

" I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. "