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" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "
Demetri Martin
Die
Fun
Sometimes
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" I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. "
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" People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. "
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" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "
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" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "
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Started
Old
" They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. "
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They Say
Structure
Say
" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "
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Kid
Me
" I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. "
Demetri Martin
Success
Proud
Love
" I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. "
Demetri Martin
Girl
Love
Pet
" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "
Demetri Martin
Two
Basic
Comedy
" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "
Demetri Martin
Love
People
Work
" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "
Demetri Martin
Important
Track
Me
" I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. "
Demetri Martin
Kid
Did
Everything
" I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie. "
Demetri Martin
My Own
Acting
Want
" As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. "
Demetri Martin
Thought
Up
Think
" If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. "
Demetri Martin
Choose
Building
Time
" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' "
Demetri Martin
You
Me
I Am
" Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. "
Demetri Martin
Romantic
Fun
Survival
" I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' "
Demetri Martin
I Think
Alone
Interesting
" Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. "
Demetri Martin
Way
Progress
Again
" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "
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Far
Go
Favorite
" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "
Demetri Martin
People
Need
Me
" I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. "
Demetri Martin
Average
Grateful
Person
" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "
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Done
Go
Easy
" I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up. "
Demetri Martin
Friends
Growing Up
Know
" The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. "
Demetri Martin
Child
Bird
Bee
" To me, comedy is a game. "
Demetri Martin
Comedy
Me
Game
" Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. "
Demetri Martin
Holder
Balloon
Breath
" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "
Demetri Martin
Actor
Like
Funny
" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "
Demetri Martin
Love
School
Up
" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "
Demetri Martin
Apple
Problem
Move On