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" If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. "

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" I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' "

Demetri Martin

Win

Wonder

You

" The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. "

" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

Demetri Martin

Actor

Funny

" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "

" When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. "

" Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. "

" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "

Demetri Martin

Important

Track

" But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. "

" I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' "

" Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "

" A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' "

Demetri Martin

Mind

Never

" Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. "

" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "

Demetri Martin

Far

Favorite

" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "

" There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. "

Demetri Martin

World

Name

" Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. "

" Let no man's deathbed be a futon. "

Demetri Martin

Deathbed

Man

" Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. "

Demetri Martin

Laugh

Computer

" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "

Demetri Martin

Game

Busy

" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "

Demetri Martin

Done

Easy

" But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. "

" I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' "

Demetri Martin

Funny

Finish

" I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out. "

Demetri Martin

People

Think

" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "

Demetri Martin

Keep

Songs

" I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. "

" I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' "

" They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. "