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" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "

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" Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. "

Demetri Martin

Funny

Stand Up

Think

" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "

Demetri Martin

Far

Favorite

" I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. "

" I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. "

" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "

" A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' "

Demetri Martin

Mind

Never

" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "

" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "

Demetri Martin

Funny

Kid

" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "

Demetri Martin

Game

Busy

" For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' "

" I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. "

" The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. "

" I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' "

" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "

" I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. "

" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' "

Demetri Martin

You

I Am

" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "

Demetri Martin

Drunk

Persuasive

" I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' "

" But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. "

" Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. "

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "

Demetri Martin

Important

Track

" To me, comedy is a game. "

Demetri Martin

Comedy

Game

" I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' "

" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "

" I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' "

" Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. "

" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "

Demetri Martin

People

Need