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" The more conservative you dress, the more you can get away with. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions. "

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" I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.' It was like, 'Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I'm OK.' So I got a job at 'Popular Mechanics'. "

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" When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. "

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" This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food. "

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" I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home. "

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" I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years. "

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" I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans. "

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" A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I'd be the most flattered I'd be in my life. If I could pick some people to roast, I'd pick my heroes, Don Rickles and Howard Stern. Those are the people I'd like to give some honor to. "

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" Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me. "

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" I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey. "

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" Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli's show. "

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" I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever. "

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" Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better. "

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" I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause. "

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" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

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" I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.' "

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" Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts. "

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" I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight. "

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" Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes. "

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" People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something. "

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" I just really work hard on myself every day. "

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" I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.' "

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" I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine. "

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" I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too. "

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" I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. "

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" I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there. "

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