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" The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because it's all in jest and all for fun. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do. "

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" I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and comics comedy advice. When you're that age, you know it all, so I understand it. But when you're tired and you don't have patience for it, you definitely snap. "

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" I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown. "

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" I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak. "

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" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

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" I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too. "

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" I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.' "

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" By Hollywood standards I'm still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers - now I got to get a fur coat. "

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" I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. "

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" I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems. "

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" Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny. "

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" Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine. "

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" I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years. "

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" I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans. "

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" None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes. "

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" What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes. "

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" I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way. "

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" The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me. "

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" 'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge. "

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" I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.' "

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" I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there. "

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" It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes. "

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" I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. "

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" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

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" When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. "

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" What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that. "

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" I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do. "

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" I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have. "

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