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" Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you. "

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" Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. "

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" To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. "

" Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is. "

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" I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons. "

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" Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money? "

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" The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. "

" The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk. "

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" I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm. "

" Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. "

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" The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control. "

" People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. "

" The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin. "

" Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. "

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" No, you never get any fun out of the things you haven't done. "