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" Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. "

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" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" My mother is very funny. She is from a village; she has a typical village kind of humour. Often she says a lot of things she herself isn't aware is a punch line. "

" Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. "

" The funny thing is, all my friends are short. I wasn't aware of tall people till I got to high school. I didn't know they existed. I was sheltered. "

" The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. "

" Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. "

" This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. "

Robert Benchley

" When I'm being funny, I try not to offend. I don't think much of what I've done has been in really ghastly taste. I don't think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" It's funny what memory does, isn't it? My favorite holiday tradition might not have happened more than once or twice. But because it is such a good memory, so encapsulating of everything I love about the holidays, in my mind it happened every year. Without fail. "

" The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.' "

Richard Branson

" The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans. "

" Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. "

" I have really fond memories of growing up in Chicago, and I always love going back. I still have a lot of really good friends from high school that I go to dinner with. It's kind of become a tradition when I go out there to do a show to give a few friends a call, tell some funny stories about high school and walk down memory lane. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. "

Paula Poundstone

" Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know. "

" Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? "

" But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone. "

Garry Shandling

" Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. "

" If I get dressed up, and my boyfriend says, 'You look gorgeous,' I kinda feel funny. I don't know if I'm particularly comfortable with being attractive. "

" I did 'Love's Labour's Lost' in the theater and found it to be riotously funny. "

Kenneth Branagh

" By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. "

Richard Dawkins

" With improv, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny. "

" Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn't know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I'm one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar. "

" Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. "

Alexander Woollcott