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" Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is. "

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" I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm. "

" Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. "

" A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. "

" Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals? "

" Too clever is dumb. "

" A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. "

" I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it. "

" I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons. "

" There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all. "

" Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive. "

" To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. "

" The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat. "

" Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. "

" There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends. "

" One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence. "

" Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for. "

" Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you. "

" Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor. "

" Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. "

" Women would rather be right than reasonable. "

" Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. "

" I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance. "

" If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. "

" People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it. "

" Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs. "

" I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers. "

" People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. "

" I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all. "

" I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine. "

" The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk. "