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" Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs. "

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" Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. "

" I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it. "

" I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all. "

" People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. "

" Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals? "

" One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence. "

" Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore. "

" Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. "

" A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. "

" I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons. "

" Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. "

" I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers. "

" The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control. "

" Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor. "

" The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin. "

" If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. "

" There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all. "

" Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind. "

" I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm. "

" I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine. "

" Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. "

" Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them. "

" Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early? "

" Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive. "

" Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for. "

" Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. "

" The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. "

" Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you. "

" No, you never get any fun out of the things you haven't done. "

" Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. "