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" I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line. "

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" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "

" They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. "

" I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. "

" Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. "

" Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. "

" I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. "

" Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. "

" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "

" Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. "

" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "

" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "

" I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. "

" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "

" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "

" I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. "

" I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "

" I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. "

" The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. "

" Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. "

" I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! "

" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

Looking Forward

" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "

" I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. "

" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "